I have known I was a lesbian since I was a child. Maybe not so much the word but I knew there was something very different about me...I was not like the other little girls. For one, all I wanted to do was play sports with boys. I had no interest in Barbie dolls other than taking their clothes off and then removing their arms.
My earliest memory of my peculiar behavior was when I was in kindergarten. I had a teacher, Mrs. Brown, and she was beautiful. She was trying to teach us something and asked did anyone have any questions. I quickly raised my hand and she came over to my desk. I asked her to bend down and planted a kiss right on her lips! Seriously. I did. She looked like I had punched her. She quickly walked away and ignored me for the rest of the year.
My next experience came in 4th grade. I had two girlfriends and their mothers would come over and visit with my mom and leave us to play outside. One day it was just two of us, Dawn and I playing. Since Dawn was two years older than me, our mom's decided to go run an errand and leave her to watch me. They walk out the door and next thing I know she asks me did I want to go take a nap in her parent's bed. I said ok. After only moments in the bed, she is touching my mosquito bite sized boobies and I was touching hers and we were rubbing against each other. We played for several years after that and the only thing that happened after that was she did pull me aside one day and give me what I would call my first kiss. It was lip locked and for a significant amount of time. My parents divorced the next summer and we moved away. I recently saw our other friend and asked about Dawn. Her reply was, "Oh she is married and has 3 kids." Doesn't that just figure.
At age 12, Noreen came along. Ok, now this one is a little weird. Noreen was a 21 year old college student. Although we never had sex, we were very intimate. My family owned a restaurant and she was a waitress there. Folks she was beautiful. She moved here with her boyfriend and was attending college at our local university, she wanted to become a lawyer. We quickly developed a friendship and my friendship turned into a massive crush. I would wait at the back door of the restaurant for her to come in to work. I would follow her around like a little puppy dog. We became very close. I would call her at home all the time. She would take me places on her days off. I always wanted to touch her so my method of achieving that would be to shake her hand all the time. She soon figured it out and instead of shaking my hand she would touch my face or kiss me on the cheek.
People started to notice our relationship. I went to visit my father one summer and Noreen would call me once a week. I could not wait to get home. But my mom at the last minute decided to come pick us up instead of us flying home as usual. On the drive home my mom told me that people were starting to talk about my relationship with Noreen and it wasn't normal. She told me when I got back I had better leave her alone or they would fire her. I was so sad! I did try to leave her alone a little more and she figured it out and questioned me about it. So I told her. She went into my mom's office and my heart was about to explode. I could only imagine what was going on in there. Noreen came out crying which made me cry. Noreen wound up giving my mom 2 weeks notice.
I had not heard from her or seen her in months when someone told me she was working as a waitress at another restaurant. So I would get some of the other waitresses to take me there to eat so I could see her. She had moved and gave me her new phone number. I called once and got her boyfriend so I hung up. A few weeks later I tried again and the number was disconnected. That would be the last time I ever had contact with her. I wonder what she is doing today all the time. I wonder is she knew at the time I was a little lesbian and why she seemed to encourage my crush.
My last significant relationship before I really found out I was a lesbian was with a high school friend. She was so beautiful, her skin was the color of coffee with cream and I could not get enough of her. Our friendship continued until our freshman year of college. During the summer, she had told me when she would go out to clubs (under 18 clubs), that boys would "bother" her and she didn't like it. She thought if she had a wedding ring they would leave her alone. Well guess who bought her a damn wedding band? That's right, me. She wore it all the time. A few months after that she got in a fight with her mom and moved out. She rented a studio apartment and we would go shopping all the time for things she would need. Guess who bought the majority of it??? That's right, me. She knew how to play me and push my buttons for sure.
After I started my freshman year of college I met this woman in my Theatre Appreciation class. She was very cute, always wore her hair in a pigtail. We began talking and spending time together and one night she kissed me. It was then, that I finally knew. I was elated. I called my high school friend and told her I needed to talk to her. I went over to her house and told her everything that had happened between me and the college girl. She informs me she always knew I was a lesbian and that she and her family had actually discussed it at their dinner table the night before. She said she was happy I found someone because she was not gay and could not go there with me. I left pretty upset. Not that I wanted her to "go there with me" anymore but that I really needed a friend, someone to talk to about everything going on.
A few hours later she called my house and asked to speak to my little sister. I asked her why. She said that she needed to tell her all about me, to warn her about me. I told her to go to hell and hung up on her. To this day we have not spoken to each other. She lives in the same town. I have seen her a few times since then. She is married with 3 children and turns her head as she walks past me. Why all of sudden did she think so differently of me?? I was the same person that bought all the nice things for her apartment.
I moved on to my first real lesbian relationship and it was so nice to have finally figured out why I was so different and explore this new world. It was a whole new world. I learned so much from my first lover. I was her 2nd girlfriend so she was the experienced one. We broke up because I cheated on her and felt I should tell her about it. She immediately kicked me out of the house and went and married the first guy that would pay attention to her. She is now a shrink here in the town I live in. Nice huh???
That is the basic route that got me from young child to where I am today. A few relationship between then and now and I am much wiser. As they say," What doesn't kill us, makes us grow stronger."
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