Lately, I have been a little obsessed with death. I think mainly because I had a few bad years between 2004-2005 with people close to me passing away. First was my aunt, she was only 53 and a skinny bitch. She had circulation issues in her legs due to an accident she had at work. They told her it would require a surgery to correct. No big deal right??? Wrong. She woke up from surgery and was fine for about 4 hours and then she went brain dead. That's right, my cousins and uncle had to finally decide to pull the plug. That was September of 2004.
February of 2005, I am in the middle of watching one of my favorite shows "24" when the phone rang. My girlfriend had answered and came to me with the phone very slowly. My mom was on the phone crying. She told me that my grandfather had died of a massive heart attack. My grandfather was more like a father to me than grandfather. I spent the rest of the night puking and crying. To this day, when I think of him, I tear up.
July of 2005, my bestest buddy ever, Bogey died. She was the very first dog I ever got myself. I picked her out as a puppy at age 19 and she had lived for 15 long years. She got very sick and I had to make the decision to have her put to sleep. I don't think I have ever done anything more difficult. How do you just decide to put someone you love so much to sleep? It tore me up.
December of 2005, after spending 2 weeks in the hospital, they diagnosed my grandmother with cancer. It was very progressed and there was nothing they could do. I spent a week with her at home with Hospice and 2 days after I had to leave to go back to Colorado she died.
I was unusually close to both my grandparents because we all owned and worked at our family restaurant. Their deaths in the same year have left me in a depression that I am not sure I have totally kicked. I did see my Doctor 2 months after my grandfather had passed and told her I cannot seem to stop crying. She asked me several questions and did not feel I was depressed, just sad and not in need of medication. DAMN!
Lately, I seem obsessed with dying. I think about it all the time. Like how I will die, where I will die, will anyone be with me? What will heaven be like? Is there football up there to watch? 3 years have passed since these deaths and no one I know has passed away in between so I am not sure why all of a sudden I think about it alot. Is this normal? When you get to a certain age is it something you think about more and more? Or have I lost my mind and need to seek a shrink?? I haven't really spoken to anyone about this so I thought, why not throw it out there for the 2 people that read my blog to decide? Shrink or no shrink? Personally, I am not a big believer in shrinks, I think in most cases they might be more messed up than the average person. But hey, maybe I am wrong. Maybe this death thing will pass, maybe it is normal...
I would be very interested in hearing your thoughts...come on let me have it!
1 comment:
google it
xoxo
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